This is how I say goodbye
by beautiful-mess13
Summary: Just before it all ended, one of them had to say goodbye. Only he had never really been good at doing it. A remembrance from the one who left to the one who remains… *Malec* (Mid to post COHF. All scenes are predicted. Rated T for language/ slightly mature content.)
1. One Week Later

**Prologue**

It had been over a week, but it still felt unreal to Alexander Gideon Lightwood.

As he prowled the empty apartment, Chairman Meow nowhere to be found, he felt this not-so-odd emptiness well up inside of him. The kind of hollowness that will never be filled.

He passively realised that all his senses seemed to have slowed down as well. He could hear the sound of his own breathing—deep and resigned. His eyes slowly shifted from one place to the other: the dining table, his chest of drawers, the ottoman where he'd sat the day he first kissed him, the bed. Eerily quiet. He wanted noise.

He wanted to see it all destroyed. But at the same time it felt like the only connection he had to him. The only proof that it all really happened.

On his desk, he saw the box of Woolsey Scott. He felt ashamed of himself right there and then, remembering the pang of jealousy that shot through him when he first noticed it. At that moment he suppressed a sheepish grin, the kind he always made when he felt embarrassed or too self-conscious. But there was no point. No one to be self conscious in front of now, isn't there?

Before he looked away, something caught his eye. The box was sitting on top of something… a white envelope. It looked like it had been hastily hidden from view, something he wouldn't have wanted him to see…a secret? He approached it warily, feeling scared and anticipation building up inside of him at the same time.

He opened the envelope, and inside it were a bunch of keys, held together by a glittery keyring. And…

…a real estate receipt. His eyes scanned the paper.

Magnus had bought a house? In Italy?

As far as he was concerned, mention of property had never creeped up in any of their conversations. He was feeling nothing and everything at the same time.

He felt betrayed.

He felt a little stupid.

But, undeniably, he felt intrigued. Intrigued enough that he already knew where he wanted to be that day.

Magnus bought a house for the two of them. It was too big of a concept to grasp.

He looked around the forlorn apartment, searching for an explanation, a validation, a reason…anything. But the house, just like the owner, gave away nothing. He had to find out for himself.

He looked at the paper once again. As an afterthought, he felt relieved that he was wearing decent enough clothes for a quick little trip to Italy.

He went to the bedroom, and thanking his Shadowhunter strength, pushed aside the closet that hid the portal Magnus had made during the War. He stood in front of it, looked one last time at the paper, closed his eyes, and plunged through its watery depths. The weird sensation, and then sunlight on his face. His body welcomed the warmth he had been yearning to feel for days. He opened his eyes.

He was standing in front of a two-storey Victorian house.

**A/N: Since Cassie's been dropping all this hints about COHF, this grand idea just hit me and it was begging to be written. So the prologue is set in present-time, but the following chapters will all be flashbacks. The epilogue will go back to present-time (in short, a continuation of this chapter). Had to post this one first because I just wanted some feedback from you guys (so please, review, review, review). I'm sorry in advance to the heartbreak (?) it's all going to cause you. **


	2. 30 days before

**30 Days Before**

"Don't do this."

Alec groaned.

Magnus sighed, not too heavily for Alec to hear. He knew he was being completely out of line, demanding too much from his boyfriend, but isn't this the kind of thing anyone would have done if they were in his position?

"Magnus, you know you're being unf-"

"I know, I know. Just... can I be unfair to you just this once? Then that's it. I'm not going to ask for anything more."

"You can't ask for anything more because you're already asking me too much," Alec argued. "You can't possibly expect me to drop everything and leave my siblings to fight by themselves, could you?"

"I NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO THAT, ALEC," Magnus said again, feeling less patient every time they went down this line. Which was, he thought warily, the third time this week alone.

"Then I don't understand why you don't want to let me do this. I was born a Shadowhunter, Magnus. Long before we met, I've been fighting off demons. This is what I've been made to do. This War, everything that follows after...is a responsibility."

Magnus looked at Alec's steady gaze from across the room, clearly offended by what he had just said. All he had wanted in his 800-year existence was to matter to someone, to matter enough that they would fight for their life so they could live longer to stay with him. He knew he was being delusional, paranoid, whatever you call it, but the idea of letting Alec out into the open, the Clave no longer believing in him...despite his faith in Alec's abilities, he already considered this a lost cause.

"Then what am I to you now, Alexander, an accessory? Thinking of me slowing you down? That's why you're going out there to fight to your death and I'll never see you again? Jesus," he said bitterly, as Alec rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

"By the angel, Magnus, you're not making any sense."

"I could offer you protection," Magnus said hopefully. "You could take your siblings with you. Everyone you're worried about, your friends, your parents-"

"I'm not asking you to do that for me!" Alec shouted.

Silence.

Magnus looked away, down at the floor, no longer wanting to see Alec's face, contorted in rage, at him.

Alec had already lowered his voice. He had never been really good with fights. "All I ask is for you to trust me. Trust me on this one, Magnus. I swear I'll do whatever it takes to survive."

"Then let me fight with you."

Alec was indignant.

"NO."

"Why not?"

"This isn't your War. Downworlders are fleeing the country, Magnus. I don't see how your presence will exactly lift the Clave's spirits."

"I don't see how _your_ presence will matter to theirs, either," Magnus pointed out, already regretting his words.

Alec was taken a little by surprise before his face hardened.

"Look. I don't want you to think that this relationship isn't important to me, because it is. But you can't make me choose between who I am and who you want me to be. I'm not just your boyfriend, Magnus. You of all people should understand that."

If Alec's words stung, Magnus showed no signs of it. It didn't matter whether he got hurt or not in the process, all he knows is that he needed to protect Alec from himself, from the dangers of the world, from heroism. He didn't want to see him die, even if it meant dying for something.

"I don't want to lose you," he said, his voice breaking. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm not going to lose you."

"_Bullshit._" Alec had nothing left to say that could possibly make Magnus shut up. Even swearing didn't seem to be enough.

"I LOVE YOU, ALEXANDER LIGHTWOOD. Can't you see...?"

"And how is love ever enough, Magnus? You don't trust me."

"I do, I do trust you! It's the Clave I don't trust-"

"You're not getting your way in this one, not this time," he snapped, turning his back, striding across the room, opening the door, and slamming it behind him.

Magnus sat quietly on the dining room table, putting his head in his hands, tears already streaming down his face.

Outside the door, Alec was idling; blind to everything else, numb because of what just happened, feeling sorry for himself, for Magnus, for all the words he'd said. How many times had he been this out of line? Only once. He loved Magnus, more than anyone in the world. And he was the first person he had ever loved. But this, this was bigger than the both of them, and he owed this to everyone who had died fighting. He owed this to Max. And he isn't going to stop until he sees Jonathan Morgenstern dead. He owed this to his parabatai, and how Jace had sacrificed so much already. He thought of his father, who had lost so much faith in him, had doubted him and his dedication to what they did ever since he told them of his relationship with Magnus. They never told him off for it, but he knows his father had never, would never approve. And if he backed down, it was as good as saying he was proving his father right. He needed to be the bigger man.

He started down the flight of stairs, already working out an apology for Magnus for when he came back later that day. He knew he would be saying sorry not only for what he'd said, but for all the things he's going to do and how there's no way to save himself from all of it. And the last he wanted to see was Magnus getting involved just because of him. Magnus taking him back despite his stupidity for trusting Camille had already been too much, and the way he's already hurting right now, how Alec could only watch him suffer. If there were anything else he could do for Magnus he didn't know what, but he sure as hell would find out. All he knows is that losing him again would never be an option.

He went back to the Institute, knowing that that place would always be open for him, to weigh out his chances at surviving.


	3. Alec's Proposal

**29 days before**

2 AM, and Magnus was still wide awake.

Honestly, he didn't know how long he'd been staring up at the ceiling in that particular position he was currently in: lying down on the bed on top of the covers, fully clothed. He was sure if he even dared try to move a limb it'd feel numb in an instant. Not that he cared. What happened earlier in the day pretty much had sapped up all his energy to even feel for anything. He didn't eat. He didn't need to. He wasn't hungry and he was sure if he tried to choke down food he'd puke it right out. He'd never felt this bad in _ages_, which was saying something.

Somewhere along his train of thought he tried to turn the argument over and over again in his head, trying to remember exactly where he went wrong and how it went downhill from that. It was as if he was trying to cup water in his hands. The more he tried to hold onto it, the more it slipped away. Maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe he hadn't done anything wrong.

Maybe Alec was just looking for an excuse, any excuse, to pick a fight. So that he'd win. Or at least, Magnus would let him win.

Did he? At that moment it mattered very little.

Magnus sat up then, feeling a little dizzy from his sudden movement, and glanced around. He looked at the clock on his nightstand. It was past two in the morning, and Alec still hadn't come home.

...which brings Magnus back to the thought he'd been trying to avoid ever since he laid down on the bed. _Was_ Alec even coming home? His heart sank even lower. Alec always came home, no matter what happened. Surely this was still one of those nights, wasn't it?

As if on cue, a knock came on his door. But the knock didn't even wait for an answer, because at that moment a key was already turning in the doorknob. He stood up quickly, rushing to the living room just in time to see the door swinging open. Alec stood at its entrance. He looked surprised.

"Y-you're still up," Alec said hurriedly, averting Magnus' gaze to look down at the floor. "I thought—"

"—Then why did you knock?" Magnus asked incredulously. He moved closer to Alec, who had already come in and swung the door shut behind him. Alec leaned tiredly against the doorframe. Magnus wanted to kiss him right then, but willed himself not to close the gap between them. Too soon.

"It's more of a habit, I guess," Alec said shyly.

"You don't usually knock on doors, especially not on ours," Magnus said, crossing his arms over his chest, putting emphasis on the pronoun. "You do it when you're nervous," he observed. "Which means," he continued, not letting the moment slip away, feeling more awake than he'd ever been, "that you were expecting me to be up, waiting for you. Weren't you?"

"I-I guess you could say that. I would have woken you up anyway if you weren't."

"Because...?"

"I need to tell you a lot of things."

"A lot of things? Like what?" Magnus couldn't help feeling a little cold, acting a little cold, but this was him, out of desperation. He was going to weed it out of Alec if he needed to. But he couldn't deny the fact that he already had an idea where this was going. Doesn't make the anticipation any less thrilling.

"Why don't we sit down," Alec gestured towards the couch. The only thing lighting up the living room was the fireplace and the few candles stashed in random parts of the room. Magnus always liked to keep it that away, liked the romantic vibe it gave off. Always set the mood for him and Alec for when they needed it.

"Hmmm," Magnus acknowledged, but sat down lazily anyway. Besides, now that he had stood up, he finally felt how tired he really was.

Before anyone could say anything, Alec was suddenly kneeling in front of the couch, staring up at Magnus' stricken face. He wasn't expecting this gesture in the slightest bit. Alec put both of his hands on either side of Magnus' face and touched his forehead to his before whispering, "I'm so sorry. For everything. I...I wasn't acting like myself. I don't know how I managed to say those things and you didn't deserve to hear them. I wish I could take them all back but I can't, all I know is that I hurt you and it hurt me knowing that I hurt the person I loved the most. Everything is just rushing out of me right now and I just want to tell you that I'm so incredibly—"

The rest of Alec's apology was interrupted by Magnus' lips on Alec's. Alec forgot just how soft and warm Magnus' lips were, and how they were so perfectly fit for his, and how their tongues synchronized every time they kissed. His hands were lost in Magnus' soft hair, and he could feel Magnus' warm hands running up and down his back, how he had casually slipped them under his shirt, Alec shivering beneath Magnus' electric touch. He hadn't even fully realized, until then, how much he missed kissing Magnus.

"I love you," they both said when they broke apart, and Magnus laughed. All the dread he'd been feeling earlier was suddenly lifted from his chest, a weight he had finally gotten off his shoulders. What a relief. "And you were saying...?"

"—That I would be incredibly willing to spend the rest of my life with you, and that I would do no matter what it takes to survive this goddamned War so I could do exactly that. I want to come home to you for the rest of my life, Magnus Bane. I want to be able to wake up next to you, to travel the world with you, to kiss you whenever I felt like it. I want to be able to fight with you and make up with you and I want to tell you my worries and my fears and every despicable thing about me. I want to share this unforgivably short life with you, Magnus, and I hope that would be enough. Because it is for me."

Alec didn't pause, not for a moment, to make sure that he was able to say everything he wanted to and that he was able to say them before he stopped himself. All the while he was looking up at Magnus' gold-green cat eyes, reflected by the firelight, the flames dancing within them. He had never seen anyone more beautiful, and he had never had a moment so perfect. He didn't even want to count the times he had practiced saying that in his head, not to mention the nerves that almost overtook him and the knocking on the door and the shaking and...now that it was all over, all he could do was smile up at his most favorite person while he tried his best to blink back tears. Seeing the look on Magnus' face, though, who was just as teary-eyed as he was, was enough to know that he didn't have anything else to say besides,

"Are-are you proposing to me, Alexander Gideon Lightwood?"

"What do you think?" Alec looked at him expectantly.

"Then yes."

And then they were both shaking and were all over each other, whispering "I love you" in between kisses, and somehow Alec ended up lying on the couch with Magnus, not sure when they had managed to do that but it didn't matter; because they had each other and they had this apartment and Chairman Meow, and the fire was burning lower as the room got dimmer and their kisses longer, lingering, more pleasant, more seductive, until they tore apart shirt after shirt, ending up with nothing but themselves. They had been like this for many months now, but somehow Alec's proposal made things more official, definite; they now held something solemn and they had a right to each other. They had a promise.

"Do you, Magnus Bane, take me, Alec Lightwood, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and cherish, for as long as we both shall live?"

Magnus was laughing shakily now, laughing at the melodramatic-ness of all of it, with tears in his eyes, staring up at Alec's beautiful blue ones, and nodding. "I do."

"I'm sorry if there's no ring, I really hadn't—"

"Who needs a stupid piece of metal," Magnus interjected, happier than he ever thought he'd be in his entire existence.

"I have you."


End file.
